Did You Do This While Pregnant? Your Child Is Probably Fucked, So


IN the latest study designed by think-tanks with the express purposes of terrifying expecting mothers or parents of newborn babies, WWN can reveal that walking past butchers shops between week 27 and week 29 of a pregnancy can result in acute Childus Fuckeduppoa, more commonly known as ‘your child is fucked, hen’.

Similar to studies that prove direct harm can befall you if you fail to do X or if you do too much Y, this new finding is vague enough to get expectant parents to question if they did in fact walk past a butchers shop during that particular timeframe, let alone any further details about whether or not the butchers shop would have been open at the time, while also being incredibly specific about the consequences of having done so, really upping the fear factor and ensuring a decent click-through rate for any site hosting news of the report.

“New parents and pregnant women are always looking for reassurances that they’re doing the best they can for their babies, and this new report should give them a glimmer of fear that will prompt them to doubt and second-guess themselves for the next decade,” said Dr. Wayne Vellarton, the world’s leading medical clickbait compiler.

“We’ve sent our findings to pretty much every online magazine, and they’ll all put their own little spin on it. You can look forward to seeing it pop up in your newsfeed over the next year, and we’re certain it’ll give you that little shiver of horror when you realise that you may have adversely affected the health of your baby by doing some random shit that you had never heard of. Because you could never have heard of it. Because we just made it up”.

Keep an eye out for our upcoming guides, ‘5 Things You Need To Know If you Walked Past A Butchers Shop While Pregnant’, and ‘Walked Past A Butchers Shop While Pregnant? Here’s 5 Things You Need To Know’