Dear Internet user,
Please read the following open letter carefully, as this is the only correspondence you’re getting from us.
Look at the state of you there you pathetic blubbering mess, worrying about what your technological devices are doing to your life; what information we’re taking, what conversations we’re listening in on, what filth you’ve been pleasuring yourself to. You don’t even know the scale of this thing man: it’s a riddle wrapped up in a mystery, inside an enigma.
All your life you’ve been dreaming of such technologies, being able to see other people across the world on a handheld device, having instant access to billions of libraries of information at your fingertips. This is Star Trek shit right here. But alas, even Captain kirk had data logs.
What? You think communications officer Lieutenant Uhura didn’t have access to his search history, and his propensity for shoving several Tribbles up his anus for sexual arousal? Of course she did. And yes, at least she didn’t sell it to the Klingons, but those were different times, kid. Innocent times. Unprofitable times.
To be honest, you should have seen this coming. Even the advert above this paragraph knows more about you than your family does right now. It’s 2018, hun, where hoverboards were ditched for hover ads. The warning signs were always there; the sudden appearance of adverts for Aran underpants just two seconds after you mentioned how much you liked them to a friend, the push notifications for a popular restaurant in your area, the sudden sound of laughter from your phone when you did something stupid on your own – we’re all watching, man. Watching you. You’re the entertainment now, the subject matter, the consumer machine willing to divulge its darkest secrets to the world. You reap what you sow Captain Kirk, and the world wants to sell you Vaseline. Spread those cheeks nice and wide. Let us in for a good root around, there’s room for all of us up there: Google, Facebook, Microsoft, Apple, Tinder, Instagram, Snapchat, fucking Bebo too. We’ll be gentle.
Bottom line here is: you let this happen, chief, so wake up, smell the grounded, Arabian roasted, fair-trade, organic coffee beans being offloaded to you at a 1000% markup. You’re the problem here, not the tools, so go delete yourself if you want to be totally free, and more importantly, please stop annoying us – we’re too busy selling your tastes to care.