Outrage As Day Passes Without Outrage


THE internet has exploded in anger following 24 full hours of scandal-free peace, with everyone from angry teenage boys to grandmother’s in their 40s taking to their keyboards to vent their frustration at spending a whole day with nothing to vent their frustrations over.

As both the source of the majority of the world’s outrage as well as the wailing wall for same, the internet is legally obligated to put forward at least one story or event that produces angry knee-jerk reactions from millions of people, who then spend the rest of the day picking each other apart in back-and-forth petty arguments in the available comments sections and social media threads.

However, for the first time in history, a full 24 hours passed yesterday without any form of online kick-off over race, social classes, women’s rights, sporting events or political shenanigans, leaving the entire quorum of internet contrarians with nothing to air their grievances about.

“24 hours is a lifetime online, particularly if you’re skulking around looking for something to get angry or offended about” said Dr. Ian Masterson, internet anger expert.

“When people have made outrage part of their daily lives, then it becomes as essential to them as oxygen. Take it away, and they become wild, panicked animals. At around 10pm last night, you could see a lot of online chatter about how calm it had been online. By midnight, when a whole day of peace had passed, you could see people really getting angry. That’s when the outrage-starved crowd really let fly with 24 hours of pent-up outrage… people just started complaining, constantly, about nothing. Bickering, sniping, making veiled threats… they more than made up for lost time”.

Several people who don’t partake in online outrage were said to be unaffected by the outrage outage, prompting those that were affected to state ‘that must be lovely for them, the stupid fuckfaces, hopefully they go kill themselves’.