New Mortgages Deals From Banks Not The Illegal Rip Off Kind, Banks Promise


A NUMBER of banks embroiled in a tracker mortgage scandal which saw 33,700 and counting cases of customers being placed on the wrong tracker rate have confirmed prospective customers can ignore that information and fully trust their new mortgage offers.

“Hi guys, it’s just your friendly neighbourhood banks offering you a great deal, which you can trust isn’t built on sand and were we to fuck it up, you’d totally hear about it from us first and we wouldn’t fight repaying you money that is legally yours tooth and nail, promise,” confirmed a statement issued by the Irish Association Of Trustworthy Banks (IATB), comprised of banks who regularly betray the trust of their customers.

With Irish banks looking into cutting fixed rate mortgages, first time buyers could be tempted into trusting banks who couldn’t possible act unethically with foxed rate mortgages in the same way they did with tracker mortgages. Despite this, the government has urged caution.

“Ah yeah, go on, what’s the worst that could happen?” confirmed a spokesperson from the Dept. of Finance.

Pressed on why the tracker mortgage scandal has seen banks continue to treat those customers they’ve ripped off with contempt without any consequence, the spokesperson was unequivocal in stating such behaviour will no longer be tolerated.

“C’mon now, this is the banks we’re talking about. I’m sure there’s a good reason they’ve let their customers homes be repossessed, or delayed repayment, leaving their lives in tatters. But look, I’ll tell you what, we’ll send them a letter in 10 or 12 months and ask them politely, can’t say fairer than that,” confirmed the spokesperson.

The Central Bank was asked for comment, but further unanswered inquiries lead WWN to believe the Central Bank may be a figment of the Irish public’s imagination.