“Shush… The Adults Are Talking,” Government Tells Protesting Students


AMID renewed protests by students over the lack of funding in higher education, the government has encouraged the 5,000 strong protest to quieten down as adults are talking and they can barely hear one another with all that racket.

As the prospect of a student loan system comes into view in Ireland, students have again voiced their concerns and objections to various issues created by post-2008 cuts, which actually made it very hard for the government to hear itself think.

“Look, we’re in the middle of some very important adult business, which you lot wouldn’t know the first thing about. Come back and protest when you got some life experience, yeah?” encouraged the government, in a polite tone.

Last year’s Cassells report estimated that third level institutions would need €600 million extra in core funding by 2021, prompting the government to figure how to bury such requirements using its new Department of PR.

“Why can’t you just get your degree and struggle to find employment and then work for free for a few years like everyone else. God, so the student contribution fee has gone up by 375% since 2008? You lot are so entitled we’ve barely got a pay rise since then,” pleaded the government.

However, as students spoke of how third level education is in disarray with funding gutted, and the cost of putting themselves through free education becoming more and more expensive, the government became irritated.

“Listen to us you little shits, have you any idea how the real world works? Get out and vote in the same numbers as old people do and then maybe we won’t consistently fuck your generation over” the government said, now shouting after losing its patience.