“Those Culchie Lunatics. I Feared For My Life” – Bat


“It might be funny to you, but when you have a demented Kerryman chasing you with a towel then maybe you’ll know real fear” – the words of Padraic Bat, a local Kerry based bat who is the forgotten figure in a hugely popular viral video which whizzed its way around the world, much like Padraic whizzed around a kitchen sparking much hilarity.

“Fucking lunatic come at me with a towel, and people do be leaving comments online ‘why didn’t he just fly out the door’. You ignorant prick I can only see in the dark using echolocation. Like most animals I was brought up not to look directly in the eye of a Kerryman lest they get any ideas, I know a few sheep… the stories they could tell you”.

Understandably still recovering from the traumatic experience, Padraic was keen to stress that what might have been fun and games for Facebook newsfeeds was a matter of life and death for him.

“I’ve heard of mates flying into houses up in Dublin and getting treated like kings, they get insects, food, blood the fucking works. I’d been threatening to move up but there’s a serious shortage of hanging upside down space”.

“But what sort of life is it for me down here, this grey haired maniac, like Kerrymen have a reputation, I full on expected him to bite my head clean off when he caught me, eat me whole. I was extremely lucky to get away in hindsight”.

“My wife had said she’d never seen me so upset, but I wouldn’t trust her on that, eyesight isn’t great at the best of times. Can’t look the kids in the face, they’re mortified, I’ve embarrassed them. That family, they didn’t even have the courtesy to blur my face and save me from ridicule”.

One bright spot for Padraic however, was the courageous act of one bystander who he wanted to single out for praise.

“The dog did me a solid and started pissing on the floor, you know, part of the whole ‘us non-humans should stick together’, trying to distract the culchie lunatic with the towel but it was no use”.

Padraic maintains that he is not bitter at the attention his attacker receiving from the media.

“Where’s my fucking Jimmy Kimmel interview?” Padraic calmly screeched.