“We Didn’t See This Coming” Vatican Shocked By 12,354,978th Abuse Accusation


RESPONDING to accusations of abuse now being levelled at the head of the Vatican’s treasury Cardinal George Pell, the Vatican’s PR department have been quick to express their utter shock at the jarring and unforeseen revelation of a priest sexually abusing a child.

“Shocked is putting it mildly, you think you know your fellow priests and then thousands upon thousands of them go on to abuse children,” explained an exhausted head of Vatican PR Fr. Annuncio Arsenio.

Cardinal Pell has strenuously denied the accusations and has stated his desire to clear his name completely, following years a slavish cooperation with Australian police in relation to widespread clerical abuse in the country. Previously Pell had urged priests never to break the seal of confession, even if they’ve heard the confession of people confessing to abusing children.

“We’d be the first to hold our hands up about something like this if it’s true, but this is only the 12,354,978th abuse case we’ve been made aware of. You have to cut us some slack, for example, only 7% of all Catholic priests in Australia have been accused of abusing children,” added Fr. Arsenio.

The accusations against Pell, from multiple people, serve as a blow to Pope Francis, who is currently in his 3rd year of being an affable, living meme shared throughout the internet in lieu of legitimate critique and appraisal of his reign as Pope.

“Cardinal Pell is the third most senior figure in the Vatican, which is hard to believe, as so, so few individuals in a position of power have ever sought to use that power in a less than honourable and noble way,” concluded Fr. Arsenio, refusing to remember anything about the history of the Church.