“It’s Just A Phase” Government Defends High Teen Suicide Rates


IN the aftermath of a fresh report that highlighted the devastation wrought on Irish communities by suicide revealed Ireland as having the 4th highest teen suicide rate in the EU, the government was quick to reassure everyone that ‘it was just a phase’.

Despite countless harrowing testimonies over the last decade from people who have lost a loved one to suicide, and their passionate pleas for the implementation of improved services and resources, the government has today insisted that this is something the youth of Ireland will likely grow out of.

“Ah you know these young people fads, sure I was mad into pogs back in the day. Remember them? They were great craic but you don’t hear about them at all these days. I’m sure it’ll be the same with this. I reckon if we just ignore it, it will go away,” confirmed a government insider.

The UNICEF report, which surveyed 41 countries confirmed that 9.1% of Irish children between the ages of 15-19 were not in employment, education or training and that 18.3% of Irish children are living in relative income poverty, prompting the government to tell everyone to relax.

“Look, when I was that age, I was mad into Linkin Park. It was all I could think about, every minute of every day, fixated on nothing else but I never acted on it and became Linkin Park…y’know? So I think let young people be young people, honestly, they’ll grow out of it,” added the insider.

This report comes after the government recently bulk purchased thousands of specially designed deaf ears with which they will listen to experts calling for more investment in mental health services in Ireland.

Elsewhere, the Dáil is scheduled to debate the ‘Future of Healthcare in Ireland’ report this Thursday evening, a time traditionally set aside by TDs to duck out early and return to their constituencies for the weekend. However, no one at WWN is suggesting that there will be a low turnout in the chamber for such a vital and pressing issue.