“I’m Playing The Main Stage,” Still The Most Popular Chat Up Line At Festivals


A RECENT study conducted by the Institute of Getting The Shift While at a Music Festival (IOGTSWAAMF) has concluded that pretending you are a member of a band that is due to perform on the main stage is still the most popular chat up line at festivals.

Men and women looking to strike up conversation and impress fellow festival goers often resort to rubbish attempts at small talk and flirting, but the hard data gathered by IOGTSWAAMF has confirmed that you can’t beat pretending you’re the drummer of The Raging Penguins, The Green Bins, Your Ma, The Smoking Section, The Communion Wafers or other completely made up bands.

“In the pre-internet days, festivals were a real hot bed for people pretending to be one of the Beastie Boys, the fifth Beatle or the lead guitarist in whatever band were top of the charts at the time, but would-be-shifters have had to slightly change their chat up line technique,” explained head of research at IOGTSWAAMF Dr. Gerrard Langbatt, speaking ahead of this weekend’s Bulmers Forbidden Fruit, where he estimates close to 1,000 people will confirm they’re playing the main stage.

“Because people can Google and verify this information in seconds, many people opt to say they’re playing the main stage with a band so cool you’ve never actually heard of them before, and that they’re so hipstery, they don’t even have a website, Spotify page or YouTube videos,” Dr. Longbatt added.

However, Dr. Longbatt didn’t advocate such desperate attempts to appear cool, but admitted that it was a far superior method to flirting than simply smiling at someone in the crowd at a gig while pointing towards the stage and shouting ‘what a tune’ as loudly as is humanly possible.

“Having concluded our research, we can only advise that people heading to Bulmers Forbidden Fruit to say they are a drummer, as this eliminates the chance you will be handed a guitar and asked to play your band’s ‘big song’ for everyone. Also, if you’re ginger we must insist you avoid claiming to be Ed Sheeran, it simply doesn’t work anymore,” Longbatt concluded.