Study Reveals It’s Impossible To Casually Do Up Fly Without Somebody Noticing

A GROUNDBREAKING study, which took place in our very own Waterford City, has conclusively proved what has been long suspected; there is no subtle way to zip up your fly in public, and any attempts to do so will just heap embarrassment on an individual.

The study was conducted by the recently set-up Institute For Things People Shouldn’t Study (IFTPSS) and its results have now definitely laid to rest any notion that the last time your fly was down in public no one saw you zipping it back up, even though you turned around and quickly fired it up back into place.

“Human brains are hardwired to anticipate an embarrassing moment, they often sense when someone else is about to make an eejit of themselves. It serves us like a sixth sense,” explained Phelim Henty, who almost certainly isn’t qualified in any scientific field whatsoever.

200 test subjects were sent out onto the streets of Waterford with their flies down, of the 130 that weren’t arrested for indecent exposure, there was a 100% failure rate in terms of drawing attention to fly zipping.

“That rush of blood to your cheeks, the instant sense this could be embarrassing for you if anyone was to see; humans sense and feed off this. They don’t realise they’re doing it, but they immediately scan a public space, unconsciously hoping to catch someone in the middle of trying not to look like a fool. It’s truly fascinating,” Henty added.

Henty’s advice for people who discover their fly is done is to immediately panic and run to the nearest toilet cubicle before zipping it back up, and then subsequently removing yourself from civil society to save yourself from any further ridicule or embarrassment.