“New Homes Figure Not Plucked From My Arse,” Says Coveney While Pulling Up His Pants


SEEMINGLY taken by surprise by the presence of the media at a press conference this morning, Minister for Housing and Fine Gael leadership hopeful Simon Coveney clutched at his trousers which were down by his ankles, pulling them back up in a frantic fashion.

“Jesus, I didn’t see you there. Don’t just sneak up on me like that,” Coveney scolded, as journalists asked him if he had just plucked the figure of 15,000 new builds in 2016 from his arse.

“Ah God, c’mon lads, obviously not. What gave you that idea,” Coveney said as he struggled to find the buckle on his belt. Coveney continued to bat away the accusations, even after one journalist confirmed he had filmed the minister pulling the number 15,000 directly out of his back passage.

Minister Coveney defended the figures, collected via new connections to the ESB network, by confirming that the method used is the same one used in years gone by, thus confirming he has no appetite for using a better, more truthful and accurate way of recording new builds.

When members of the press pointed out that old vacant houses could be counted as ‘new connections’ and that if a new build estate was listed as 400 units, but would only see 40 units completed in the first phase the full 400 would be included in the figures, thus giving the false impression that more houses had been built in Ireland in 2016, the minister pleaded to be allowed pull up his pants in peace.

“There’s no lying or sly fudging of the facts. That’s ludicrous, when we say 15,000 new builds we obviously mean that it could actually be less than 7,500 and as low as 4,000 depending on which expert, that we’ve flat out refuse to listen to, ends up talking to you lot,” the minister defended.