Dark Bloody Stool Probably Last Night’s Vindaloo, Insists Future Cancer Patient


A DARK, bloody stool containing remnants of a cancerous bowel tumour has today been passed off as last night’s vindaloo curry by its 63-year-old owner, WWN can reveal today.

Martin Phelan, a future patient of St. James’s Hospital, Dublin, insisted that the off-coloured turd was a common sight after ingesting Indian food, and that the unusual blend of spices “always makes his pooh that colour”.

“You can always tell a good vindaloo by how much it hurt going out,” Phelan told WWN for some reason, “I’ve an awful cramp in my gut, but boy was it worth it going in. You’d nearly want to be putting a packet of baby wipes in the fridge after one, he-he”.

Unbeknownst to the father of four, he is to become one of 2,500 people this year to be diagnosed with bowel cancer, however, it is not yet known if he will make his 65th birthday, as he hasn’t yet availed of the Irish State’s free bowel cancer screening service.

“Only 4 in 10 people are bothering to use the service,” explained local GPs, “we would advise Mr. Phelan and anyone with similar symptoms, such as bloody stool, pain in your abdomen, reporting weight loss or a change in normal bowel motion to go see their GP and anyone who is eligible to take part in the bowel screening programme to do so”.

People with similar toilet experiences which they pass off as last night’s vindaloo are urged to ignore the voice in their heads that is currently saying ‘ah, I’m sure it’s fine’. Additionally, Phelan has specifically been informed by WWN that while it’s lovely to hear to about his stool in such vivid and exhausting detail, it may be best to tell a doctor instead.

Bowel cancer usually occurs in people over 60 years of age and is often diagnosed in the later stages. However, if bowel cancer is caught early, it is extremely treatable.

[WWN-Post-Info-Box]For further information on bowel cancer and support services, go to cancer.ie/bowel. To take an online quiz to check your bowel health click HERE.[/WWN-Post-Info-Box]