WWN’s Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
Your stupid kids forgot to buy their mother something for Mother’s Day! C’mon lads, you’re nearly 2.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
You spend the morning inviting 700 Facebook friends to an event. They’ll love that!
gemini
May 21 – June 20
Don’t get a Big Mac again, get the quarter pounder instead. Live a little.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
You make €1,400 gouging people for Electric Picnic tickets online. They wanted tickets, you wanted money… no need to feel bad. Everyone wins.
leo
July 23 – August 22
Calling them ‘graphic novels’ instead of comics doesn’t make you any less of a fucking nerd.
virgo
August 23 – September 22
You make a decision to be the ‘sassy’ one in your group. You’re so sassy! Everyone loves you. Keep it up.
libra
September 23 – October 22
Everyone thinks you fell asleep at a party and someone drew a dick on your face, but in reality, that’s a dick you drew yourself. You just love dicks. Big fan.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
It’s not as warm as everyone thinks it is. Be sure to remind them of this the minute you see them.
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
A YouTube tutorial video finally clues you in on this whole ‘one leg at a time’ method of putting on your trousers.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You’re disappointed to learn that chopping off someone’s head doesn’t give you new powers like in Highlander.
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You’re running out of excuses for not playing 5-a-side. What’s it this week? Leprosy?
pisces
February 19 – March 20
Nobody wants to talk to you about how damp the ground is.