Is Your Infant Eating Enough Crap Off The Floor?

A NEW report into the dietary habits of infants has revealed troubling statistics for parents, who may have to face up to the fact that their babies aren’t eating enough morsels of dirt and garbage off the floor.

While parents tend to be changing their habits when it comes to sugary and fatty foods linked with childhood obesity, the new study suggests that they are still not meeting their toddler’s demands for bits of fluff, hardened bread that rolled under the sofa, shreds of paper and bits of twigs that came in on the soles of shoes.

In a sample group covering both breast and formula-fed babies, researchers found that almost 100% of infants go to bed each night without having achieved their desired amount of crud, something which the spokesperson for the study blames squarely on parents.

“We’re hearing second-hand reports of parents actually taking crap out of their toddler’s mouths,” said Dr. Ian Jennells, an expert on infant diet and nutrition.

“Babies are starving for crap off the ground. You put a baby on the floor, they’re going to seek out the nearest hank of dirt they can find and eat it straight away. And parents are refusing to allow them to do this; they’re setting them back into the highchair and shovelling fruit and vegetables into them instead”.

“Parents need to listen to their kids, and work out what they’re asking for. If your kid could talk, he wouldn’t ask you for an organic sweet potato and apple puree pot. He’d tell you what he really wants; he wants to gnaw on the rubber thing on the floor that stops the door from hitting the wall”.