“I Will If It Means Another Pension” Bertie Ahern


FORMER Taoiseach Bertrand Ahern is poised to make a sensational return to Fianna Fáil and Irish politics if reports circulating the Drumcondra area of Dublin are accurate, WWN can confirm.

Ahern, a devout and selfless public servant of almost no repute, could well rejoin the Fianna Fáil party depending on what possible pensions he can accumulate in the process.

The Dubliner, famed for speaking just once in the Dáil as a TD in the three years after stepping down as Taoiseach, despite the country finding itself in a crisis of cataclysmic proportions is rumoured to be in the market for another handy number which could see him earn large sums of money in exchange for doing next to nothing.

Anonymous sources close to the Fagans pub drinking circle confirm that Ahern could be convinced to rejoin the party if Fianna Fáil can guarantee they will be in power within a year and ‘in a position to throw him a cushy number with a pension attached’.

“He aches to serve his bank account, sorry, his people which makes his return to politics, just as things are recovering and everyone else had to dole out the bad medicine all the more fitting. What a hero, what a servant,” explained one Fagans regular.

In an unrelated news story a Dublin-based office supply company has confirmed they have received a bulk order for over 100,000 brown envelopes.

Elsewhere, in separate reports Brian Cowen is believed to be patiently waiting by a phone which will never ring.