‘I’ll Re-Count Every Single Vote Myself’, Insists Clinton
FORMER Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has vowed to re-count votes in Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania after it was revealed they may have been hacked.
Mrs. Clinton, who has been in hiding since losing the presidency to a reality TV star, travelled to Wisconsin this morning where she immediately began checking registered votes, which scientists say were rigged against her.
“I knew the people loved me. I knew it couldn’t end this way… four million, nine hundred and thirty seven thousand, two hundred and sixty six,” she stated while counting vigorously, only pausing to lick her page turning fingers, “We’ll see who prosecutes who.. four million, nine hundred and thirty seven thousand, two hundred and sixty seven.
“America needs to know the truth. I’ll stay here until every last one of these votes are validated… four million, nine hundred and thirty seven thousand, two hundred and sixty eight”.
Voting rights lawyer John Bonifaz and J Alex Halderman, director of the University of Michigan’s centre for computer security, believe their evidence shows that the results in these three battleground states, which lost Mrs Clinton the election on November 8, might have been hacked.
“Ah, it was definitely rigged. Sure look who won!” Mr. Bonifaz said, “And if we’re wrong, sure doesn’t it get Hillary out of the house and doing something productive again? Hopefully she’ll be done counting in time for the inauguration in January. Bless her cotton socks”.
It is understood the Democratic candidate received 7pc less votes in counties that depended on electronic-voting machines, compared with counties that used paper ballots, leaving Mrs Clinton up to 30,000 votes miscounted. She lost Wisconsin by a total of 27,000 votes.
“I know these extra votes are in here somewhere… four million, nine hundred and thirty seven thousand, two hundred and… ah fuck!” added Mrs. Clinton, before having to restart from the beginning, “One, two, three four….”