Cure For Being American Still Decades Away, Say Experts


HOPES that a cure for being American was just around the corner have been dashed, after a team of researchers admitted that they were still ‘decades away’ from any sort of a breakthrough.

The condition, which affects 1 in every 1 Americans, has been known to cause people to have serious delusions about their place in the world, while acting in a fashion that causes the global population to shake their heads in dismay.

Although most Americans are diagnosed with being American at birth, many people who emigrate to the nation find themselves stricken with the affliction through time. Although there is currently no hope for anyone currently living with being an American, there may be hope that the figure could be reduced by stemming the amount of immigrants entering the country.

“With Trump planning to cut down on the amount of people that can enter the country, we may see the number of Americans fall slightly over the next four years,” said Richard Falbrook, chief American researcher.

“It’s the people that are currently American, they’re the ones that have no hope. They’ll continue to suffer from symptoms such as constant fear, and delusions that they’re the envy of the world. God love them, the poor idiots”.