WWN’s Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
You successfully convince your co-workers that you once played bass for The Four Of Us.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
You realise you may be too old for Kinder Surprises.
gemini
May 21 – June 20
The trees are turning a lovely golden colour, unlike you in the sun.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
You live in the hope that someday somebody will invents a 365-day Advent calendar.
leo
July 23 – August 22
You had a great idea last night when you were drunk, but it’s gone now. Maybe it’ll come back to you if you drink more? Couldn’t hurt, right?
virgo
August 23 – September 22
Your social media strategy consists of 10 friends on Facebook and a Twitter profile with an egg as the pic.
libra
September 23 – October 22
You’d vote for Trump. He seems gas.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You pledge to stop ending meetings with senior management with the phrase’ later, fuckers’.
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You go to the shops without asking anyone if they want anything.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Whose blood is this?
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Being single, you’re forced to find more creative ways to scratch the itch in the middle of your back.
pisces
February 19 – March 20
Your Fitbit battery dies in the middle of the day. Quick, get the cakes while it’s not looking!