Teenagers Urged To Drink & Smoke More After Falling Behind EU Average

IRISH teens have been issued with direct orders to up their pre-drinking game in a bid to claw back ground lost in the 2015 European School Survey Project on Alcohol and Other Drugs (ESPAD) report, which states that the number of 15 and 16 year olds in Ireland who drink, smoke and use illicit drugs has dropped below the European average.

The findings point towards an Ireland of the near future that doesn’t revolve around constantly drinking its face off and falling about the place, with teenagers today seemingly ‘too wise’ to the negative effects of drink and drugs.

This may have a worrying consequences for Ireland in both the rira and the ruaille buaille marketplaces, with fears that we as a nation may be seen as no craic or worse, dry shites.

“This is potentially  more damaging to the country than the outcome of the Apple tax thing” said Alan Hannilan of the Full-Time Mad Bastard Society Of Ireland (FTMBSI).

“If our youth don’t up their levels of ditch drinking, taking drugs, smoking brains out and just being more Irish, then we could lose the whole hen and stag industry, the St. Patrick’s Day tourism trade, Temple Bar might actually become a nice place to go… without drinking, this country has nothing. We cannot let our good name as drunk fucks fall in disrepute”.

In response to the news, the government has begun drafting up a plan to deliver a free bottle of Buckfast to every teenager in the country from next week.