A WORLDWIDE order issued in conjunction with a record number of nations will see everyone referring to themselves as a ‘digital influencer’ shot on site, WWN has learned.
At the behest of the public, governments have instructed their police forces to deal swiftly and fatally with individuals whose heads are ‘stuck so far up their arses they think a picture of themsevles accompanied by a complimentary phrase about a brand will suddenly drive up the company’s sales of items, services or products’.
“Some lad on Instagram was giving it the ‘I’m a digital influencer’ like he has the same influence on empty headed fools as Kim Kardashian does or something. He’s a trainee fucking hairdresser showing off his Nike Air Jordans his Mam bought him. Christ sake,” shared irate member of the public Ciaran Littleton, who is believed to be in favour of the shooting order.
While there are no official numbers, experts estimate that there are as many as ‘23,000 fucking eejits who consider themselves to be digital influencers’ in Ireland currently. Those suffering from these vivids delusions of grandeur have been instructed to cop on to themselves but many failt to listen.
“I threw up a picture of my new iPhone on Snapchat and Instagram and then I find out Apple have sold 1 billion iPhones, those events are not a coincidence. People take my advice on products,” explained one insufferable digital influencer, Dublin man Eoin Healy.
Gardaí in Ireland have already begun to enforce the new crackdown on so-called digital influencers.
“You can influence me hoop, you narcissistic spanners,” head of Digital Influencer Termination Unit, Garda Vincent Lonergan shared with WWN.
“We don’t take shooting anyone lightly, but this’ll be great craic altogether,” Garda Lonergan explained as his unit broke down the door of a 26-year-old woman, who despite only having a following of 789 people on Instagram and still living in her parents house, thinks any recommendation she gives a dress on ASOS will result in it being sold out within seconds.