WWN’s Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
You come up with the perfect response to an insult while driving home, as per usual.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
Your wife sits you down and has another talk with you about where you position yourself while on the toilet.
gemini
May 21 – June 20
You catch yet another Rattata on Pokemon GO. It’s starting to seem like a waste of your time, somehow.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
Part of you really, really hopes Trump wins.
leo
July 23 – August 22
You fail to get #LeoLivesMatter trending on Twitter.
virgo
August 23 – September 22
You discover that your Nutribullet is great for making ‘rasher-paste’, a new delicacy that you just invented.
libra
September 23 – October 22
Be sure to set your Facebook to automatically share your horoscope every day. Your followers love that.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You start making plans to bring Drinklate, an alcoholic chocolate, on to Dragons Den.
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Your application to be a Rose Of Tralee escort is turned down AGAIN. They’re just not looking for 47-year-old men this year.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
After 12 straight weeks, you’ve finally managed to drown out the noise of Spanish students.
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You don’t want to tell anyone how excited you are about Great British Bake-Off coming back.
pisces
February 19 – March 20
Long shot here, but do you want to buy an 06 Citroen C4? We’ll do you a deal.