WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

You come up with the perfect response to an insult while driving home, as per usual.  

taurus

21 April – 21 May

Your wife sits you down and has another talk with you about where you position yourself while on the toilet.  

gemini

May 21 – June 20

You catch yet another Rattata on Pokemon GO. It’s starting to seem like a waste of your time, somehow.  

cancer

June 21 – July 22

Part of you really, really hopes Trump wins.  

leo

July 23 – August 22

You fail to get #LeoLivesMatter trending on Twitter.  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

You discover that your Nutribullet is great for making ‘rasher-paste’, a new delicacy that you just invented.  

libra

September 23 – October 22

Be sure to set your Facebook to automatically share your horoscope every day. Your followers love that.  

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You start making plans to bring Drinklate, an alcoholic chocolate, on to Dragons Den.  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your application to be a Rose Of Tralee escort is turned down AGAIN. They’re just not looking for 47-year-old men this year.  

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

After 12 straight weeks, you’ve finally managed to drown out the noise of Spanish students.  

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You don’t want to tell anyone how excited you are about Great British Bake-Off coming back.  

pisces

February 19 – March 20

Long shot here, but do you want to buy an 06 Citroen C4? We’ll do you a deal.  

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