Russia Confirms Putin Will Represent Nation In Every Olympic Sport


AS the status of Russian athletes competing at the Rio Olympics changes with each passing hour, Russian leader Vladimir Putin has become so irate that he has insisted he will compete in every event and crush all opponents before him, thus defeating the politically motivated attacks against Russian athletes.

Boarding a plane for Rio this morning, Putin began lathering himself in baby oil in anticipation of taking gold in the wrestling event.

“President Putin does not care for the rules in each specific event, he will compete topless and oiled up in all of them,” a spokesperson for the Russian Olympic team explained.

While the Russian Olympic Committee (ROC) have yet to confirm how exactly Putin will compete in the female events, they have revealed that he is adept at all of the sports.

“Golf, Putin is best. 100 metres, Putin is best. Clay pigeon shooting, Putin is best. Bear wrestling, Putin is best,” Alexi Komadov, spokesperson for the ROC confirmed without clarifying whether or not Putin believed bear wrestling to be an Olmypic event.

The Russia government also confirmed that their leader would not take any measure to guard himself against mosquitos and the Zika virus as “the mosquitos no better than to make threats against Vladimir Putin”.

Drug testing agencies have expressed concern at Putin’s inclusion in the games citing the only previous drugs test carried out on the politician revealing that his blood was 92.6% testosterone.