Government Turn Their Attention To Messing Up Third Level Funding Next


THE GOVERNMENT has confirmed they are determined and focused as ever when it comes to messing up third level education in Ireland to the point where it is almost pointless for students to attend courses.

A report into funding options for third level education was launched yesterday by minister for education Richard Bruton, which outlined three proposed models for future funding with one option proposing the establishment of a student loan system.

“You see, free education fees are quite high, and rent and cost of living are increasing so we think it’s wise to up the fees for free education so that we can put in place a student loan programme. Putting students in lots of debt is always the best option in these situations, but obviously we’re very open to all three funding options,” confirmed Bruton, stating the government’s preferred option would be the one which brought the government funding of third level colleges from 64% up to 72%, still well below the EU average of 79%.

Students have rejoiced at the news they will be able to get a loan which will go straight to landlords, who thanks to an increase in funds for students, will be able to up the rent on shoeboxes even more. They have also praised plans to the increase the amount of money paid for decreasing standards, due to funding cuts, at third level institutions.

While the government rejected the notion it should be praised for its ingenious policy moves, it did acknowledge that they will have solved all third level education problems that have plagued the country in recent years by forcing students to take on debt, the size of which will steadily increase over the years.

“We’ve heard that degrees are not as valuable as they once were due to consistent funding cuts, so we’ve proposed punishing colleges and taking away their funding in the event of them being unable to produce better results for less money,” Bruton added.

The government also confirmed that they would prefer to have cross party consensus on the decision as long as it involves students taking on huge loans.

Students are not expected to be consulted.