WWN Guide To Letting Your Kids Run Around The Pub While You Get Drunk


FINDING someone to take care of your annoying children can sometimes be difficult for parents who want to spend the entire day drinking. Many pubs have strict rules and regulations when it comes to children, but don’t fret, WWN is on hand to guide you through this prickly situation.

Make sure you purchase enough sugar based snacks for your children to top up on while you’re out on the lash. Pubs can be pricey, so stock up on family packs of taytos. Stuff them into a reasonable sized handbag and distribute packets at equal intervals throughout the day. If you can, also bring a pre-diluted litre bottle of cordial, so you can top up that expensive bottle of Fanta you bought to save face.

Ignore your children’s screams and general disregard for other patrons. This is a must. Don’t ever address the fact that these little terrors are related to you, or that they indeed know anyone sitting at your table. Always remember it is up to the bar staff to keep your children in order. However, be prepared to lose the rag if a member of staff goes too far by telling them to shush. Only then, acknowledge that they are your children and that you’re very annoyed at the way they’ve been treated by the establishment, letting them know that free beers or bottles of Fanta or club orange will always correct this.

Insist on Cbeebies or Nickelodeon to be streamed on the nearest (or farthest, depending on your own mood) television screen in the pub. “Oh, the Tennis is on and someone else wants to watch it?” Fuck you! This is a public house god damn it and your kids are now in the public hands, so it’s the responsibility of the public to entertain them. Simple. Never back down.

If you really have to because the bar staff are lazy pricks, invite a slightly younger relative, say between 12 & 15 years old to supervise your kids. Give this young adult full responsibility of your children. Think of it as a life-lesson for them. Hopefully the teenager will take home something valuable like, don’t ever get pregnant, or, don’t ever get someone else pregnant. You’re practically doing them a favour, and should not feel the need to compensate them for their time. It’s a play date. You don’t get paid for playdates, kid.