It’s The DWWNECRU (Daily WWN Euro Championships Round Up)
WWN is here to catch you on all the kicking of footballs at the European Championships in France.
LSD enthusiasts have praised last night’s opening ceremony confirming it is the closest they have come to feeling like they were on drugs without having to actually take them.
Amazingly David Guetta did not set a new world record for receiving the most number of death threats for his opening ceremony displays, with the parents of the plucky child who fell into Harambe the gorilla’s enclosure way out in front with 43,456 compared to Guetta’s measly 12,345.
The opening ceremony sparked a lot of chatter on Twitter with the hastag ‘what the fuck is going on’ trending worldwide for much of the ceremony.
Dimitri Payet’s stunning winning goal last night sparked a frenzy amongst the scientific community who had previously claimed it was impossible to be sexually attracted to a goal. The impressive strike was later clocked by Gardaí doing 150kph on the M50.
“It goes against all our research but, yes it’s true, I can’t help it. I’ve become aroused every time I’ve watched a replay of the goal. And it sounds crazy but I can see myself and Payet’s 89 minute wonder strike raising a family together and being eternally happy,” confirmed Graham Henderson, lecturer in Footballology at the University of Durham.
Romania can feel hard done by as their defensive display echoed the collective organisation embodied by roaming Romanian pick pocket gangs who have so enamoured themselves with crowds throughout Europe. French defender Patrice Evra gifted the Romanians a penalty after casually tripping Stanciu in the box, with Evra later claiming it was always one of his dreams to be turned into an amusing gif that could be used a shorthand for doing something incredibly stupid.
On the punditry front Damien Duff made a good impression with his ability to use a great big screen with a ridiculous amount of buttons on it. Speaking exclusively to WWN Duff confessed to being happy with the reception his punditry has received.
“RTÉ locked me in a basement about 3 months ago and refused me any food and water until I mastered how to use that stupid bloody screen. You can’t see it on the telly but they’ve handcuffed my ankle to it so I can’t leave the studio, their holding my family hostage too, help!” the laidback former international said.
Elsewhere FAI chief and all round good guy John Delaney confirmed UEFA have directly consulted him on all organisational aspects of the tournament, claiming ‘Mr. Uefa said I was the best person in the world, and I agreed and said have you seen my girlfriend and he said yes, she is the most beautiful woman in the world, and then we high fived’. Delaney also confirmed he has turned down the chance to become the next James Bond.
Today’s action sees England facing off against Russia, giving every neutral fan the chance of experiencing true happiness in the event of an England draw or loss. The 5pm kick off sees Gareth Bale take on Slovakia.
England manager Roy Hodgson has denied Wayne Rooney was injured by the manager as tried to shoehorn him into the starting line up.