Kexit: What It Will Mean If Kerry Leaves Ireland


INSPIRED by the political firepower of the Healy-Rae dynasty and believing themselves to be far better off away from the Republic Of Ireland, the county of Kerry will go to the polls in April to decide whether or not to break away from the State and form a country of its own.

Should this so-called Kexit take place, Ireland will be a very different place than it is today. Here’s some things you need to know ahead of polling day:

1) The Healy-Raes will form a government

If Kerry leaves Ireland, no new elections will take place to appoint a ruler of this new country. The Healy-Rae brothers, Michael and Danny, will remain in power in a 2-person coalition. No opposition party will exist, and the rest of the ministerial roles such as transport and health will be passed on to other members of the Healy-Rae family.

2) Irish tourism will take a major hit

Ireland heavily relies on revenue from tourism. With the Ring Of Kerry now in a different country, Ireland will need to create new attractions to draw tourists away from the country of Kerry. Plans to renovate Glendalough have already been drafted up ahead of this potential outcome.

3) Kerry will abolish several archaic laws

Free from hassle from “them smart boys up in Dublin”, Kerry will be free to finally abolish restrictive laws such as “don’t drink and drive”. Road deaths may soar in the following months.

4) Puck Fair will happen once a month

The contentious Puck Fair, along with the crowning of a goat as “King Puck”, will switch from once a year to the first Friday of every month. “We’ll put as many goats up on scaffolding as we like”, said one pro-Kexit campaigner.

5) The punt will be re-established

Free to create its own currency, the country of Kerry brings the punt back into circulation. The late Jackie Healy-Rae adorns the 10 pound note. One Kerry punt is valued on the market at 20c.

6) Dublin win the All-Ireland for the next 20 years

With no Kerry team to beat them, the Dubs sweep to victory at every All-Ireland GAA championship for the next two decades.