Leader Profiles: Enda Kenny & Gerry Adams

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HOT on the heels of this evening’s final leaders debate, we bring you, the voters, a definitive guide to Fine Gael leader and Taoiseach Enda Kenny and his rival Sinn Féin president Gerry Adams:

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Name: Enda Kenny

Age: 64

Job: currently the leader of Fine Gael and Taoiseach of Ireland. Formerly a shite teacher.

Weaknesses: can sound like an idiot when using English, has a crippling addiction to the word ‘recovery’, is completely unaware that homeless people and people using A&E departments actually matter.

Strengths: is Ireland’s first robot Taoiseach, by being elected Taoiseach he successfully created one job for himself. Is incredibly adept at drowning out the screams of the poor and needy, very good at posing like an eejit in photos, has met Barack Obama. Inherited a fucking disaster and Ireland is still standing.

Known for: being kept behind closed doors by Fine Gael handlers for much of the last 5 years, spending more time hiding in an attic than Anne Frank or the Earl of Rochester’s first wife. His entrepreneurial mind has created over 45 million jobs in the last 5 years.

Nicknames: Mein Fuhrer, Edna, The Taoiseach T 1000,

Least likely to say: you know what, it might be time to sort all these problems we have in Irish society.

Mostly likely to say: you’re welcome plebs. P.s whatever you’re whining about now, it was all Fianna Fáil’s fault.

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Name: Gerry Adams

Age: 67/’I’ve another election in me yet so back off Mary Lou ye bitch’

Job: incomplete CV prior to becoming president of Sinn Féin party

Weaknesses: Crippling case of selective amnesia, holds the Guinness World Record for most number of denials, not knowing where Jean McConville is buried. A really poor tin whistle player.

Strengths: His Twitter game is on point, the selfie high king of Ireland. The blood of Cu Chulainn flows through his veins – a costly and experimental procedure paid for by an anonymous American businessman. Impervious to acknowledging wrong doing. Was in the Easter Rising with the lads. Thinks maybe poor people shouldn’t wither away and die.

Known for: Being shot, not being in the Ra/being in the Ra – it all depends on who you’re talking to, insisting the Government answer questions on things, representing Ireland in the Eurovision in 1971 at the height of the troubles with a stunning rendition of Give Peace A Chance, growing Ireland’s first ever beard.

Nicknames: Wee Gerry, Our Gerry, Comrade Gerry, Gerry and The Peacemakers, He Who Shall Occasionally Be Named By Former IRA Members, The Bearded One.

Least likely to say: I think I’ve explained our economic policy quite well there.

Most likely to say: Chucky Our Law.

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