Impending Global Recession Nothing To Worry About, Government Reassures

WITH sweat relentlessly dripping from his brow and forming an unsightly puddle at his feet, Taoiseach Enda Kenny reassured the Irish public that the continued slump in international stock markets and growing financial volatility is nothing to worry about.

Flanked by the minister for finance, who was visibly weeping, Kenny stumbled through a speech to the media in which he said Ireland was well insulated from the continued drop in oil prices and wider economic fallout, which had recently seen European shares slump to their lowest in 18 months.

“Eh, shit, well, does anyone remember our 5 point plan, yeah, that’s it – 5 point plan we’ll show that to the international markets and everything will be fine,” Kenny said before being tightly embraced by Minister Noonan who used the Taoiseach’s shoulder as a make shift tissue.

While Ireland is still heavily indebted and suffering from a lack of investment in basic public services, Kenny reassured the public that were his Government reelected these circumstances could continue to prosper as his plan was full proof.

“A relatively small economy attached to a small island nation is invariably always protected from huge shifts in international markets, except for all those times where that wasn’t true, but trust me it’ll be grand,” the Fine Gael leader added before silently fainting back into a chair placed strategically behind him.

The minister for finance then took the reigns to confirm that the proposed abolishing of the universal social charge would solve everything, including bringing an end to ISIS, steadying international markets and curing cancer.