Leader Profiles: Joan Burton


THE gloves are off now that the election has been penciled in for the 26th of February so why not acquaint yourself with WWN’s handy guide to the Dublin TD and Labour leader ahead of the 2016 general election.

Age: 67 years old or 3 more elections in politician years.

Jobs: Tánaiste, Minister for Social Protection, Enda Kenny Ego Masseuse

Number of pensions: 37.

Strengths: Joan is strong in debates, unleashing the astonishing power of her shrill voice to devastating effect. It has been known to incapacitate rivals from distances as far away as 100 metres. Sadly, many animals have been deafened. Hollywood sound engineers have used it as the basis for several horror movie monsters.

Weaknesses: Phones. Small enclosed spaces. Working class areas. Despite belonging to a party which aligns itself with socialist and working class ideals, the Labour leader shares next to nothing in common with those people and often causes great anger when appearing in such areas.

Known for: committing to a number of policies driven by a left leaning ideology, then backtracking spectacularly.

Nicknames: Yoko Phono, Comrade Joan, The Inchicore Man ‘O War, ET Phone Joan, the iPhone Chancellor.

Least likely to say: Karl Marx, sound bloke.

Most likely to say: Hey, wait a minute, Labour were actually responsible for the Marriage Referendum being pursued, those Fine Gael pricks take the credit for everything.

Special move: shouting the word ‘Jobs’ repeatedly.

WWN leader rating out of 10: 1 Leon Trotsky.