“We’re Not Ruling Out Sexual Favours For Voters” – Micheál Martin

AFTER his finance spokesperson committed to a cut in the Universal Social Charge for anyone earning up to €80,000, Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin refused to rule other transparent attempts to play to the electorate.

With their full election manifesto expected in the coming weeks, the ailing party is seeking new and inventive ways to secure votes, any votes at all, as the tried and tested method of selling candidates souls not being ruled out.

“Policies aside, anger towards our party aside, how terrible we’re doing in the polls aside, I think voters will gravitate towards us once our new tactics are rolled out,” Micheál Martin cryptically told journalists at a media address.

Martin went on to confirm the offering of sexual favours to voters would not be ruled out in an effort to boost his party’s chances.

Unconfirmed rumours at this point have suggested the party have paid countless beautiful men and women to pose on Grindr, Tinder and other dating applications to coax voters into a regular romantic tryst in exchange for a vote for Fianna Fáil.

“We’re in a unique position whereby no matter what we say we simply won’t be believed as everyone knows what we’re like,” a chief strategist for the party that lead Ireland in Government for much of the past 20 years.

“I’m not saying I agree with some of the new election measures being pursued, but if it gets us votes, it’s probably better than all that rezoning and corruption nonsense from back in the day, reputation wise like,” the strategist added.

“And sure, who wouldn’t take a ride a day from some young one for something as inconsequential as a vote”.