4 Ways Christmas Could Be A Little More Commercial


YOU may have heard a lot of people complaining that “Christmas is too commercial” every year for the entirety of your life; this is nonsense. Christmas is only starting to achieve its true commercial possibilities after years of being relatively subtle and underplayed. Think of the Christmases of your childhood: they too were deemed “too commercial”, but seem quite quaint in comparison to Christmas today.

There are still many ways in which Christmas can up its cash intake, as it continues exponentially up the cash ladder.

1) Monetise verbal greetings

A Christmas card costs money. A present costs money. A sign outside your door that says “Happy Christmas” costs money. So why are we giving away verbal Christmas greetings for free? A small surcharge payable to a central governing body for every “Happy Christmas” you wish to people would drive huge streams of revenue, and maybe stop you throwing around yuletide greetings to everyone you meet on the street.

2) Insert ads into the middle of Christmas songs

Why wait until an ad break on the radio to sell some merch? Simply pause the Christmas ditty at an opportune moment and stick in an ad for something. You can even make them fit the song that’s being played. For example, in Fairytale of New York, where he sings that he “got on the lucky one… came in 18 to one”, you can now have “got on the lucky one… came in 18 to one, thanks to online betting at Paddy Power dot com”. Cash on the table, folks.

3) Cold tax

The chilly frost of a Winter’s morn is synonymous with Christmas, but yet again, it’s handed out for free to an ungrateful public. Would they rather an unseasonal, tropical heat? Where would they get their rosy red faces then? There’d be none of the charm of heading into town to get those last minute gifts, wrapped up in coats and scarves. People don’t appreciate the cold, well, maybe they will when they start paying for it. 18c per minute, every time the temperature drops below 6 Celsius. People get colder, we get the cash. Everyone wins.

4) Double Christmas

“It’s a shame that Christmas only comes once a year”; couldn’t agree more. So what’s stopping the implementation of Double Christmas? Twice the Christmas, twice the cash. Give gifts to loved ones on Christmas morning, and again on Christmas evening at around five. Have two trees, two wreaths, two sets of outdoor illuminations, two turkeys. Send two Christmas cards to everyone. Go shopping twice a day in the run up to the 25th. Make sure to have two Christmas jumpers and change at half four. Do the 24 pubs of Christmas. Spend, spend, spend!!