FUTUREWATCH: Minimum Alcohol Pricing Is Introduced
AFTER the Government confirmed in late 2015 their intention to introduce legislation which would enable a minimum price to be placed on alcohol sold in off licences and supermarkets, Ireland’s future was altered in many astonishing ways.
As part of WWN’s FUTUREWATCH series, we outline some of the more shocking ways this visionary policy changed the face of Ireland forever:
The Government is immediately overthrown
In late 2016 the legislation made its way through the Oireachtas and was officially passed by the Fine Gael led coalition sparking a manic scramble to the off licences by the Nation’s poor, who are notoriously the only section of Irish society with any history of alcohol abuse, for one last cheap session.
Successfully staging a monster booze-filled gaff party before the average price of Dutch Gold rose to €84 a can, the downtrodden working class communities of Ireland stormed Leinster House and ousted the Government in a bloody and drunken coup.
Teenagers never drink again
However, the legislation stayed in place working its instantaneous transformation of Irish society for the better as the simple gesture of raising the price of alcohol meant no more underage teenagers ever made the decision to drink alcohol.
The famous rights of passage that was drinking in a bush and vomiting shortly afterwards became a thing of the past as faced with spending €459 on a bottle of wine deterred the youth of Ireland from ever drinking again. The public hold up their hands and admit that a policy of educating young people in the dangers of substance abuse wasn’t the way forward at all, and that all was needed was lobbing a few euro onto the price of a few cans and a cheeky nagin.
Impromptu fights in the queue to late night takeaways decreased year on year by an astonishing 0.00005%.
The middle class carried on as if nothing had changed
Of course, those more well off in society were exempt from accusations of alcohol abuse and were left to their own devices to stock up on alcohol in large quantities as middle class alcohol abuse is very different and less severe than working class alcohol abuse.
A group of zealous politicians led by Senator David Norris instituted a failsafe plan of locking up people on the dole in between their searches for jobs, thus preventing their inferior minds from making the idiotic decision to spend Norris’s hard earned money on alcohol.
The cost of treating alcohol abuse reduced dramatically
The annual €3 billion of State funds spent on treating alcohol abuse and its effects was instantly reduced to €2,999,999,999, saving the Government a single euro which was subsequently spent on a bag of penny sweets.
The restrictions on advertising alcohol outlined in the legislation also had startling effects. The advertising sector saw its profits increase as highly profitable alcohol producers were forced to be even more sly but equally as effective with their advertising which would carefully target younger groups while not getting caught doing it.
Irish stereotypes become redundant
The much loved/hated stereotype of the drunken Irish finally became obsolete in 2024 when Ireland’s last alcoholic passed away, ushering in a new Ireland which was instead known solely for becoming a tax haven for multi-national companies and its ever-increasing rent prices.
As a result, tourism numbers dropped by some 4,000% percent as tourists had little interest in an Ireland that had a responsible attitude towards alcohol. AA meetings in Ireland took place in Croke Park for several years as the Nation saw the errors of its ways thanks to a modest increase in the price of alcohol.