Doctors Say Taoiseach ‘Doing Well’ After Surgery To Remove His Head From His Arse

STANDING outside the private Denis O’Brien owned Beacon Hospital earlier this morning, surgeon Michael Clark delivered the good news to an anxious public that their Taoiseach, Enda Kenny, was doing well after the successful removal of his head from his arse.

The Taoiseach was rushed to hospital late yesterday evening after several suspect public utterances lead a doctor watching the Six One News to diagnose the Taoiseach with a case of Headious Up Arsesus, a rare affliction which only affects 98% of Irish politicians.

“I was watching the news and there was the Taoiseach saying he couldn’t commit to climate change emission targets, and I realised what was wrong instantly,” explained doctor and tv viewer Rebecca Drummond.

Headious Up Arsesus leaves the afflicted unable to perform basic tasks like putting the health of the Nation and its environment ahead of a few farmers who might not vote for him if he pushes for a reduction in agri-sector pollution.

“Here was a guy saying the country couldn’t commit to emission cuts due to economic circumstances, but it was clear he was putting rural votes in the upcoming election ahead of everything else. The worry was that his head had ascended so far up his anus, there would be no way of retrieving it,” Dr. Drummond added.

After staff close to the Taosieach were informed of the condition, they acted quickly, and passed on the information to the Taoiseach himself, but not before he spoke out on homelessness stating there was” no reason for anyone to be homeless this Christmas”. It was at this point all involved knew it was a critical problem.

The surgery was delayed, however, when the Taoiseach refused to go to any public hospital on the grounds that “they are death traps waiting to happen, and I wouldn’t mind being seen sometime within the 10 next year”.