Government Confirm HSE Will Be Fixed In Time For 300th Anniversary of 1916 Rising


IN what must be the biggest indication yet that the Government is pulling out all the stops in its upcoming 1916 commemorations, comes the news that the HSE will be a fully functioning health service by the year 2216.

“Our commitment to honouring the values and ideals of the leaders of the 1916 leaders is there for all to see, and just you wait until 2216, having a health service that works is going some achievement,” Taoiseach Enda Kenny told reporters today.

The HSE hit the headlines again this week, with the story of how a 91-year-old man suffering from Alzeimhers was left on an A&E trolley for 29 hours and the utter demoralisation of staff desperately trying to care for their patients, marking the 4,359th scandal of the year for the national health service.

“Look, the HSE is, well, it’s fucked isn’t it? It’s absolutely fucked. So we’ve just got to roll up our sleeves, look towards 2216 and say ‘what better way to acknowledge to match the supposed ideals of a Republic than by sorting out how to care for patients’,” minister for health Leo Varadkar added while tearing out his hair.

While the Government had initially planned on getting deficiencies in the HSE fixed within 100 years, they claim it soon became clear that more time would be needed to phase out countless managers and officials whose job and value to the HSE wasn’t entirely obvious.

“You wouldn’t believe how much we want to fix this by 2116, but that’s just too ambitious,” confirmed a Government spokesperson.

“It might seem a long way away, but it’ll be a lovely moment when we finally have it sorted for easter 2216”.