“It’s Best We Don’t See Each Other Anymore,” Bank Of Ireland Tell Customers


IN a follow up statement explaining their decision to restrict customer interactions with members of staff in favour of directing customers to non-human banking methods, Bank Of Ireland has confirmed they think it’s best they no longer see their customers.

“Look, I dunno, things change,” spokesman for the bank Richard Cullen explained to WWN, “I think we just want different things. It’s not you, it’s us,” he added while deleting all of the bank’s 1 million customers’ phone numbers from his phone.

New measures to be introduced by the bank will see customers only allowed to interact with bank tellers if they are depositing funds in excess of €3,000 or withdrawing funds of more than €700, raising concerns that such measures will become problematic for elderly customers.

Bank of Ireland denied they would close branches as soon as they saw customers approaching, but did insist customers should refrain from making eye contact with staff.

“I’m sorry, but you guys just became so needy, wanting this, that and the other from us, we’re done being turned into something we’re not – a friendly bank,” Cullen confirmed as he placed a framed photo of all the bank’s customers that sat on his desk in a nearby bin.

“Let’s be honest, a bit of space will do us some good, and yeah sure if want to meet up in like 6, 9 months to chat, we’ll totally be for that,” the spokesman added while nearly closing his office door in our face.