Last Night’s Great British Bake Off Was Off The Fucking Chain

WORDS cannot describe last night’s episode of the reality baking competition The Great British Bake-Off, which will go down in history as one of the most mind-blowing hours of television ever produced.

Millions of viewers sat glued to the screen as the assembled amateur bakers engaged in a cake-battle to the cake-death, presided over by Sue Perkins and Mel Giedroyc, who could barely keep up with the intense bun action going on in the show’s custom-built baking arena of doom.

Several contestants broke down in tears as the Biscotti signature bake challenge pushed them to the absolute limit of what they thought they were capable of. Cameramen who filmed the challenge were treated for stress after the event, with one describing the pressure-cooker environment as being like “some sort of cake-based Helmand Province”.

Hunsbands and boyfriends who had been ignoring the show as their wives and girlfriends watched it, found themselves putting down their phones and laptops after becoming swept up in the gripping drama of the “technical challenge” section of the show, where several of the contestants had to cope with some of their Arlette biscuits being a bit odd looking.

Harsh criticism from the Orwellian judges Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry peppered the quite frankly frightening episode, turning the pressure up to 100 as explosions and gunfire rocked the ground surrounding the tent, making one contestant break the base of her cake as she lifted it from the oven.

“When the Kraken showed up, I nearly lost it,” said one viewer, who had to have a cup of tea to calm down after the show.

“It was just too crazy. There was monsters, inter-dimensional beings, buns, Chinook helicopters, and during the showstopper challenge it looked for a minute like one of the lads wasn’t going to finish his icing on time”.

Great British Bake Off continues next week, with the elderly and those suffering from heart conditions advised not to watch.