WWN Horoscopes

Aries March 21 – April 19

You do pretty well this week when playing along with Countdown. You should go on that show for real.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Uh Oh! Instead of conditioning your hair, you just shampooed it twice, and as such your dull, flat lifeless hair has pretty much ruined your career.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

You are never drinking again. Keep saying it until you believe it.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Another person has become an absolute arse-kisser at work. That’s all you need! More f’kin sharks in the tank!

Leo July 23 – August 22

Loss of suction could be down to an overly full hoover bag, or a blockage in the tube. Failure to solve this problem could result in a motor burnout.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

Stop acting like you’ve somewhere to be. We all know you’ve got nothing on this week, or next week!

Libra September 23 – October 22

You realise that all of your problems in life could be easily rectified if only some lazy asshole would hurry up and invent time-travel.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

Quick! Those same five websites aren’t going to check themselves over and over again all day.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

You win first prize in a beauty contest! Collect 20 dollars!

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Relax. When your mother told you that she wished you’d never been born, she was probably talking about something else.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

This week you discover that Jehovah’s Witnesses are great craic after a few cans.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Erasing your online history does not keep your computer virus free. When are you going to learn this!?