Life Expectancy In Ireland Up As People Live Longer, More Miserable Lives

ACCORDING to the latest CSO figures Irish men and women are living longer than ever before. Life expectancy for women is now 82.7 years, while men are expected to live to an average of 78.3 years, meaning the Irish public now live longer, more miserable lives than ever.

“These figures prove conclusively that we Irish spend more years occupying those bitter, complain-about-everything twilight years,” Edgar Morrissey of the CSO told WWN.

While the suggestion that people live longer, more miserable lives may offend some, it is a fact fully backed by octogenarians.

“It’s absolutely shite these days, and what’s with the noise, why is everyone so noisy. And Christ, the effort of everything,” barked 88-year-old pensioner Clive McCarthy, who has refused to be happy for the last 19 years.

“Gimme 1951 any day, now that was a year,” McCarthy added without going into detail, however, records show it was an incredibly prolific year for him in the country dance halls.

The elderly cited getting up, sitting down, talking, being talked to, breathing, fear of not breathing and spending more time with their family as reasons their lives are miserable.

“I tell ya, back in my day, there was a time when parents didn’t live long enough for their children to start blaming them for their awful childhood. These days, there’s not a chance of that,” added 91-year-old mother of 12 Fidelma Hughes, “and such is my bad luck I’ll probably see 100 without breaking a sweat, it’s awful”.