Everyone Secretly Gutted Jewel Thieves Were Caught


EVERYONE has secretly let out a collective remorseful sign upon learning eight men have been arrested for their apparent part in the Hatton Garden robbery.

It is believed the bank thieves initially got away with as much £200 million, prompting many members of the public to stop and exclaim ‘fucking hell’ while privately grinning to themselves as they began daydreaming about playing a part in a daring bank raid.

Those people who were not initially swayed by the romance of the bank robbery soon retracted their admonishment of the burglary once they caught sight of the method used by the thieves.

“Jesus, that’s pretty amazing in fairness,” the doubters remarked as they were shown pictures of the huge hole drilled into the side of the vault at Hatton Gardens, “did they use dynamite? Did they wear cool masks too?” the doubters enthusiastically added.

When asked if they could hear the Mission Impossible music in their heads as they watched the initial TV reports, as many as 70% of people polled said they could.

The remaining 30% of people who could not hear the music confessed to visualising several scenes from Ocean’s 11 in their head instead.

“I hope this doesn’t put anyone off in the middle of planning any batshit crazy heists down the line,” the public added, dreaming of what they would spend the money on.

“Yes, because it is the best environment for me, and no one could replace the love my mother never shows me or the punches my dad never holds back on,” Fogerty concluded, pinning a no badge to the jumper he was forced to steal in school because his dad spent the child allowance in the bookies.