WWN Horoscopes

Aries March 21 – April 19

Shite week ahead, best skip it.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Be true to yourself! And anyway, being successful in things is overrated

Gemini May 21 – June 20

A grown adult man shouldn’t shit himself and yet here we are, at your niece’s christening and you’ve fucked up again.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Leo July 23 – August 22

This week you will end up in a mental institution after losing your keys for the 9th time in 3 days.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

You’re a big boy and you don’t need your mother’s approval to buy that blowup doll. Assert yourself.

Libra September 23 – October 22

Don’t worry, I’m sure that noise in the attic isn’t a family of super giant murderous rats.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

This week you will meet someone else who will also settle for just about anyone so they can get married, have kids.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

Paper cut. Wednesday lunch time. Gonna hurt like a bitch.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Your best friend gives you some inspiring advice about how to push forward and progress in life but it just won’t get through to you. You should try putting it on a picture of Marilyn Monroe and see if it clicks.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

This week you finally pluck up the courage to put your finger up your bum while masturbating…see I told you it was amazing!

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Work concerns grow this week as your boss says ‘what are you still doing here, I fired you last month’.