WWN Horoscopes

Aries March 21 – April 19

This week you kill your nephew’s pet goldfish after trying to recreate a scene from Finding Nemo…well done.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

The alien forces are this close to penetrating earth’s defences and you’re just sitting here stuck in some never-ending Netflix binge

Gemini May 21 – June 20

You’re looking to stand out in work as rumour has it the new promotion is between you and John. When out to lunch with your boss this week, make sure to stand out from the crowd by using a spoon to eat your steak with. Trust me it’ll work. Go get ’em tiger!

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Yes, you should totally quit your job to pursue your dreams of becoming a rap superstar. Don’t let the fact you’re white, Irish or 59 years old get in the way of your dreams!

Leo July 23 – August 22

This week’s Leo got lost in the post.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

This week you’ll be so busy at work you’ll barely have time to feed the 7 slaves you keep down in the basement.

Libra September 23 – October 22

2015 and still no hoverboards.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

Your ex-boyfriend is still tormenting you, knocking at the front door, asking for his penis back. You cut it off like 12 hours ago, you’d think he’d have moved on by now.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

Saturn is in ascension leading you to make a huge decision. Blue isn’t your favourite colour anymore, it’s now red.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

This week your hilarious friends will tie you naked to a lamppost as part of your stag weekend. You will die from the cold as they forget to cut you free in the morning.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

After seeing Age Of Ultron at the weekend, your 5-year-old son tells you he is sick of playing superheroes and that you should really grow up.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

This week will be nothing but happiness, interrupted by the occasional laugh, murder trial, conviction for murder, life in prison.