Scumbag Struggling To Fit Attacking Passers-By Into Jam-Packed Schedule



ONE of Dublin’s biggest toerags has voiced his exasperation at his ever-expanding diary, stating that he no longer feels like he can commit himself to as much threatening anti-social behaviour as before.

Maurice Gleeson, of no fixed age, made the statement earlier today, citing that years of almost single-handedly lowering the tone of his neighbourhood have taken their toll on him, especially after the deaths or incarcerations of so many of his co-scumbags.

Gleeson went on to decree that if he feels he can no longer keep up the hectic pace of full-time scumbaggery, he will begin to drop aspects of his craft in favour of the more important facets.

“I’d rather be really good at a few things than only sorta good at everything,” said Gleeson, steeling himself for another day of doing fuck all.

“First to go will probably be making snide remarks at passers-by in the hope of rising a row with them, which is a pity because I always loved nothing more than slashing a stranger’s face for no good reason. But things like that keep you away from other things, like robbing old people, or lighting small fires while drinking cans in wooded areas”.

“It’s just too much hassle, with the guards and all that. Last time I smashed a bottle over this tourist’s head as he walked past me, I was in court for nearly an hour; that’s time I could have spent asking people on the bus what the fuck they’re looking at”.

Gleeson went on to admit that he would miss the sense of purpose he got from committing random assaults, and didn’t rule out giving a dig or two to the occasional minority, or a woman walking home on her own at night.