Aries March 21 – April 19
Your catalogue of character defects and deep-rooted issues will be swept away by reading a re-affirming horoscope, any day now.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Are you still here? Jesus, we thought you’d have taken the hint by now.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
Now might be the time to cash in those Millennium 50Ps you’ve been saving since you were a child, we reckon those things are about as valuable as they’re going to get.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
A collection of small and seemingly unimportant moments of social awkwardness is building to a climax this week to force you into the conclusion that you’ll probably never get this life lark right. You also find five euro in an old pair of jeans.
Leo July 23 – August 22
That incredibly funny tweet which would garner you all the praise and attention you desire will come in at an agonising 143 characters.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
The news that you absorbed your twin in the womb at 13 weeks will answer many of the questions you’ve had all your life about why you hear dreadful voices in your head every night.
Libra September 23 – October 22
Your “Hang In There Kitty” poster will fall off the wall, so, ya know, that can’t be good, right?
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
This week’s Scorpio will not appear due to the entire population of Scorpios being wiped out in a revenge attack by Capricorn
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Your favourite English football team won this weekend, meaning for some inexplicable reason your Monday at work isn’t as shitty.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
Remember that bag in the attic you have packed away in case of a Zombie apocalypse? Nows the time to use it. Run!
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
Another shitty week of unremittingly horrors. Enjoy.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
Listen, this is a long shot, but do you fancy a pint after work?