WWN’s Guide To Pretending You Like American Football
WITH the NFL Superbowl (The most important of all American bowls) airing this coming Sunday. WWN presents a guide to pretending you like American football, despite having never expressed an interest in it to anybody at anytime.
Using our 5-step guide, you will be able to oar your way into any conversation about American Football, or even start one of your own, thus making sure not to miss out on any attention that may be available in your school or workplace.
1) The Rules Of the Game
It is important to remember that nobody in Ireland truly understands what the fuck is going on during a game of American Football. As long as you have the general idea as to what is happening, you should be able to bluff your way around the rest. The basic aim of the game it to move a ball from your end of the field to the opponents end, resulting in points for a “Touchdown”. Scoring more points that the opposing team wins the game! You would be forgiven for thinking that a sport which appears to be so needlessly complicated and require so much commentary and statistical analysis would compromise of more than the throwing and catching of a ball, but no; that’s about it.
2) Which Team To Support
While watching the Superbowl, you will be required to chose a team to cheer for, as watching a sport just for the entertainment of it is forbidden by international law. This years teams are the Carolina Panthers and the Denver Broncos. As this is the first time you have heard of these teams and as such have absolutely no reason to cheer for one over the other, your best course of action would be to gauge who is the most popular team according to those around you. Whoever has the most fans, are obviously the best team! Support those guys, otherwise you risk looking like a total loser for not going along with the crowd.
3) What to shout, and when.
In a similar fashion to the other sports you pretend to like to make up for a lack of personality, American Football requires you to occasionally make a passionate outcry of joy/ disgust as your team does good/ bad. This does not require the intricate knowledge of the sport that you might think; in fact, you can limit your outbursts to “What a play!!” for when your team keeps the ball, and “What an interception!!” for when they lose the ball. Should something occur involving a team player (whose name you obviously don’t know), just pretend to glance away from the screen for long enough for the instant replay to show the players name, at which point you simply repat it out and add an expression of praise or disgust. Examples; “Come on Amendola, seriously? Get it together!”.
4) Do not appear too excited by the half time show
By far the best part of the Superbowl is the elaborate half-time show, which features performances by people you have actually heard of. It is important to not appear excited to see Beyonce appear onstage during halftime, and instead remain distant to the whole thing while remarking that “this kind of thing is really ruining the game”. Many movie companies use the Superbowl to advertise their latest summer blockbusters, and it is vital to not look these up on your phone while the game is on. If you must see the new trailer for Captain America, excuse yourself to the bathroom and watch it on the toilet.
5) Be hugely emotional, no matter what
In order to successfully convince people that you actually give a shit about American football, be sure to get really worked up at everything. If your team is doing well, act like you’re terrified beyond belief that they might lose their lead. If they’re losing, appear frustrated and angry, perhaps yelling “Why, WHY?!?” as each minute ticks on without them closing the gap. The most important thing to remember while watching American Football in Ireland is that everyone around you is in the same boat as you; they too are unlikely to give a shit one way or another, and are only attending a Superbowl event because they heard it was a late bar or they have fuck all else to do with their lives. Enjoy the night, and get ready to repeat the skills you’ve learned here when the Six Nations kicks off and you pretend you’re a massive rugby fan for a few months.