Allah May Not Be As Akbar As Initially Thought, Suggests Report


A NEW report published today by an independent commission has hinted that when it comes to being Akbar, Allah may be falling way off the pace.

The study revealed that the levels of Akbar-ness that Allah held for many years have taken a nose-dive in recent times, possibly due to instances in which Allah was declared to be very Akbar, or ‘great’ by people who were at the time not acting in a very Akbar manner.

‘Allahu Akbar’ is a traditional and commonplace expression in the Muslim faith, referred to as the Takbir, which means ‘God is great’ or ‘God is greatest’.

Due to the number of times a person or persons exclaimed the Takbir while committing acts of violence, commonly Jihadi in nature, people across the world have come to doubt just how Akbar Allah actually is.

Although predominantly used as a one-size-fits-all Islamic prayer, the Takbir gets more coverage in Western media when it is used by people engaged in very un-Akbar activities. Video footage of terrorists across the world yelling ‘Allahu Akbar’ while firing weapons at civilians or decapitating hostages has led to a global belief that if Allah really is that Akbar, surely he wouldn’t be all that happy these atrocities are continuing on a daily basis.

“Look, we’re all for this notion that Allah is in fact Akbar,” said Dr. Muamar O’Neill, who oversaw the project into public perception of Allah Akbarrity.

“It’s just that we so rarely see examples of this in the world. Whenever we see these exclamations in the West, it’s accompanied by either a scene of pure hatred such as a suicide bomber blowing himself up, or someone firing an automatic weapon at a crowd of people. The Akbar-ness we are hearing about does not tally with the not so great images we are seeing”.

Since many people are simply incapable of disassociating such a phrase from the context of it being used by fundamentalists, Dr. O’Neill has taken action.

“As such, we’ve had to downgrade Allah from “Akbar” to “potentially Akbar”. If Allah wants his old title back, then he and his followers will have to earn it. We’ll conduct our study again next year, but we do warn that further downgrades could see Allah facing “not Akbar at all” levels”.

Although Allah was unavailable for comment, some of his most vocal supporters have rubbished the report, claiming that Allah is and always will be Akbar while threatening death to those that disagree, which hasn’t helped Allah’s case for Akbarality in the slightest.