Aries March 21 – April 19

Don’t listen to people who call you a monster. In the strict classical literature sense of the word, all monsters have redeeming qualities, but you don’t even feel a hint of remorse for your victims.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

This week your next door neighbour will begin to piss you off with his loud sex antics, but that anger won’t compare to how furious you’ll be when you discover it’s your wife doing the screaming in there with him.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

Saturn aligns to bring out your competitive streak this week. Your youngest may only be 4 but still, you will teach him the valuable lesson of what it is like to lose 44-0 in a 1-on-1 football match.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Romance comes in an unlikely form this week. Should you be suspicious that the young, attractive model expressed an interest in you after hearing you won the lotto? Of course not, love is blind and unable to gain access to your bank account if you never give it your pin.

Leo July 23 – August 22

Your strange obsession with your daughter’s teacher takes a worrying turn this week as he catches you sniffing his hair during a parent-teacher meeting.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

Now is the time to invest your money, which is just such a coincidence because I’ve got the perfect little business venture I’ve been meaning to talk to you about. Please don’t hesitate to ring me on 087-4545-6612.

Libra September 23 – October 22

This week you will suffer a stroke trying to wrap your head around the plot of Hollywood blockbuster Interstellar.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

This week you doubt you will ever realise your dream of being on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here but just like the majority of the current contestants you’re not famous either so you stand every chance. Live the dream. Never give up.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

In preparation for Christmas dinner this year this week sees you begin your strict ‘everything with Brussel sprouts’ diet.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Okay, I’m sorry, I said you were gaining weight, I apologise, I shouldn’t have spoken out of turn. But seriously, you have gained weight, do something about it.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

What’s love got to do, got to do with it? What’s love but a second hand emotion. What’s love got to do, got to do with it? Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken? You actually as it turns out, your doctor will inform you about the urgent need for a heart transplant.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Aires is just in time to save the most important thing to you. While you’re out at the gym your Aires housemate notices your recording of I’m A Celebrity is clashing with a recording of the 9 o’clock news. She does the right thing and deletes the news and events from around the world so you can see someone eating Kangaroo testicle instead.