Read below for all your horoscope needs.

Aries March 21 – April 19

This week you will slowly become obsessed with chasing tennis balls, sniffing arses and shitting in public. Also, your ex-wife will stupidly put a curse on you in an attempt to turn you into a dog, fat chance of that happening.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Romance comes in the strangest forms which probably explains why you’re growing more and more attached to the shower head and power jets when horny.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

This year you will finally go on that once in a lifetime unique holiday that over 4 million people take every year to Thailand. Upon your return no one will want to hear your holiday stories.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Look to Leo for love as he is the key to your very happiness.

Leo July 23 – August 22

That piece of shit Cancer doesn’t deserve your affection, make sure to be particularly cruel to her when rejecting her foolish romantic advances.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

You’re 33 John, how in the name of God, did you get your head stuck between the railings? This week you will come to the conclusion that it’s time for a change, after all, this is the third such incident this year alone.

Libra September 23 – October 22

This week you’re looking for change, as you’ve been evicted from your home and now sadly live on the streets.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

If you think chocolate, ice cream and burning effigies of your ex boyfriend Sean will make you feel better you’re right. But you should really do something about the smell, Sean’s corpse body isn’t going to move itself.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

What have you got to look forward to this week? That wasn’t rhetorical, seriously, I’m having a long hard look and I see nothing!

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

It’s been three weeks since your cat Felix went missing

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Want the true meaning of happiness, but just don’t know where to look? Why not go back and read every second word of these sentences to find out. You’re welcome.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Fucking hell, it’s not your week, two fires and a missing tooth… And that’s just today.