Aries March 21 – April 19

A tall, dark and handsome stranger will walk into that Cecilia Ahern novel you’ve been reading on your lunch breaks.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Jupiter and Mars align this week, meaning I need to appear as if I know what that fucking means, that’s why I included it in the start of this sentence.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

Erasing your internet search history doesn’t mean you didn’t drunkenly search for granny porn at 2am last night. You’ll never feel clean again. Neptune never forgets.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

You really have to stop listening to terrible advice. ‘Live every day like it’s your last’ is no way to go about your day, this is especially true of you since your last day on earth will be Wednesday week.

Leo July 23 – August 22

This week you will finally stand up to your overbearing mother, however, mocking the fact she will never stand up again after you pushed her down the stairs is a step too far.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

Taurus seeks to influence your life which leads to several monumental shifts in your everyday life. Long story short you will eventually find yourself involved in the violent and illegal world of underground Pokemon fighting.

Libra September 23 – October 22

You are a strong, confident woman who lacks both confidence and strength, hence you are reading your horoscope in the hope of finding some sign things are on the up.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

Saturn’s moon is ready to grant you some good fortune. Next Saturday at 3.24 am you will eat the greatest meal of your life in Ali Baba’s Kebab house, but you will be so intoxicated with the memory of this heavenly feast will be lost to you forever.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

Ugh, you again. You’re some glutton for punishment. You’re 32, love the Coronas and claim Frisbee is a real sport, no horoscope prognosis will be of any help to you.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Finally, you will get the recognition you deserve. You will be identified in a police line up by a woman who recognises your penis from that spate of flashing you carried out in the park last week. Well done you.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Love. Money. Happiness. That vague enough for you?

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Venus can’t help you this week as you piss yourself during a particular stressful team meeting. It’s not as bad as it sounds. Actually, it is as bad as it sounds.