Heineken Sales Down As Dickheads Migrate To Craft Beers

BREWING giant Heineken has suffered a decline in sales this quarter as well known dickheads migrate to a new plane of pretentiousness in the emerging craft beer market.

While Heineken, a brewer also responsible for Tiger and Sol beers, has seen some growth in Asian markets it is here in Europe and Ireland specifically that it has seen its largest decline in sales.

“Eh, well, there’s just too much fucking choice and social pressure when it comes to drinking these days,” explained beer expert Donnacha Keeley-Smith, “like, you’ll have friends giving out if you drink a Heino. It’s all Wolf Foreskin Micro Brew this, Cobblers Knob 7.6% that”.

Donnacha went on to explain that many former Heineken drinkers have made the move to craft beers in an effort to feel part of the condescending elitism no longer afforded to them by drinking Heineken.

“You wouldn’t be caught within a minge hair’s breath of that old shite anymore. I’m talk of the town with the lads now because I’ve discovered the key to this craft beer lark,” offered reformed ex-Heineken drinker Jack Dooley-Forde-O’Loughlin-Ahern, “you just find the most German sounding fucking yoke on the shelf or behind the bar and the lads think you’re like, up to speed on all things beer”.

Heineken’s main competition for dickhead affection is now light wheat beer Von Karldüsselfranschhause which is served in a 3ft wide glass to accommodate its long name.

Rumours within the brewing industry suggest that Heineken’s own attempt at craft beer has flown off the shelves this week following its hastily put together launch.

Entitled ‘German Craft Beer’, sales are believed to be in the millions and are also receiving rave reviews on blogging sites despite it being Heineken placed in a different packaging.