Farmers Report Bumper Crop Of Mail Order Brides This Year


RURAL bachelors attending this year’s Ploughing Championships in Stradbally have reported a bumper crop of mail order brides, claiming that there should be enough to provide for whoever wants one this year.

Old-man-with-Asian-woman-300x246The imported brides will hopefully make up for the shortfall of homegrown wives over the past hundred years, where reclusive and socially inept male members of rural society found themselves quite unable to attract a spouse.

However the influx of cheap wives from overseas has alleviated the lonesome existence of the elderly men, all of whom seem to be perfectly fine with the morality of human trafficking. Although initially stigmatized by the rural community, the practice of heading to the Far East and picking up a young bride has become commonplace in recent years, meaning today’s bountiful crop report will be welcomed across the country.

“Sure isn’t it great for unmarried men, who can now find true love for a reasonable price,” said Sheamus Malone, a 64-year-old pig farmer from Moate, happily married to a young Thai girl.

“I was just saying it to a few neighbours, they should go over to China and get themselves a Filipino woman to look after them. I went over four years ago and met my wife, Mary; that’s what I call her, Mary. Sure you couldn’t pronounce her real name at all”.

“Four years on and I’ve three sons, and I’ve never been happier. Mary loves it over here too, and I look after her far better than she was getting looked after over there. Sure didn’t I take her out for a carvery lunch for her twentieth birthday last week.”

Queues of up to four hours were reported at the Foreign Woman booth at the Ploughing Competition, as bachelors lined up to put their name down for a young wife to come over to Ireland and cook them a few spuds. Foreign Woman liaison officer Pete Hinley spoke to WWN about the services provided by a young foreign bride, as well as clearing up some of the more seedy aspects of the process.

“Sure look, them women out there are mad to get over here,” said Hinley, who has arranged over a thousand marriages in the past year.

“It’s part of their culture, the young girls are brought up to marry lads from overseas”.

“Sure look at what would happen if there wasn’t rich elderly bachelors going over and marrying these girls; they’d be left over in Thailand or wherever with their families, instead of getting the chance to fly over here and live on a nine acre dairy farm in Roscommon”.

The latest crop of mail order wives are set to hit our shores as soon as some Visa officers are bribed, giving bachelors their first chance to show off their new wives to the community and start teaching them how to calf a cow.